Background

It is no secret I was an abused child. I was neglected, abused in almost every sense of the word. I was berated, beaten and made to think I was worthless. I was placed in ABA to change who I was. My parents favorite go to was that I was created to make them miserable. I was conceived on the same fertility pills as my 3 biological sons were. I treasure them and I cannot understand not doing that. 

I was controlled by being told I had to dress “girly” and made to get makeup in high school. As soon as I got to school, I washed it off. I couldn’t stand the stuff. I still can’t. When I was on Doctor Oz, I was in sensory hell. They caked on the makeup so thick and I had to mask to get through that segment. It was worth it because of why I was there. 

I wasn’t allowed to dye my hair if I wanted to. “Nice Jewish girls don’t do that. “This is funny because one of the members of the board at my Shul dyes her hair different colors and last time I checked she was Jewish.) 

I when I asked for something simple, I was told I didn’t deserve it. The 16th birthday in the US is a huge event. I was told I didn’t deserve a 16th birthday and it was not even recognized. They ignored my high school graduation even though I went from special ed to A track classes, which was almost unheard of where I went to school. They are awful people. 

When I graduated from high school, I went to college as far away as I could while qualifying for in state tuition. It was an 8 hour drive and it had freezing temperatures half the year. I knew I was safe and they could not come and get me. The Adirondacks is where I called home. This is where I learned the real meaning of family. I started to find out who I truly was. 

Healing With Buying Clothes

Fast forward to this past week. Goodwill was having a buy one get one free sale on their clothes. I was always controlled on what I was allowed to wear. Not by my husband, who is amazing BTW, but by my parents. When I went to look for clothes, I was able to look and see what I truly wanted. Not the floral or “girly” clothes my mother always made me wear. I did not have to pick what I as uncomfortable wearing based on what my mother would approve. 

I know I am 39 but I still have trauma to work through. I did not have to be scared that my mother was going to be mad at me or belittle me. “I thought I had a girl” or “At your weight you need to wear this or you won’t look good.” This last one, she never took me to the doctor to see why I was my weight. I didn’t find out I have PCOS until I had a few failed pregnancies. 

I found clothes that were neutral and I did not have to fear being judged. I cannot tell you how liberating it was. It was freeing but I still feel like I have to look over my shoulder even through she is cut out of my life. I could express myself in a way that I wanted and felt comfortable. What was even better, the cashier singed and I could communicate in a way that was my choosing. 

Healing with Taking J to Get Her Hair Cut and Dyed

Tomorrow is J’s middle school graduation. J is my ADHD half sister in law that my husband and I gained custody of almost 6 years ago. It has been a hard year for her, especially with the digital format. She really struggled. She did fail 2 classes BUT the school had packets for her to complete to take place of those grades and she did great with that. I am very thankful for it. She is too.